This Way, That Way, No Way, Every Way

Posted on May 9, 2013 by haileyescobar

I know what you’re all probably thinking: “Where has Hailey been? Did she get lost in that Wonderville of hers?” The answer: yes.

I am so, so, so, so sorry for not posting anything for weeks. Especially after my whole spiel about emotion and this being a free zone. All of that jazz. I have been exceedingly busy for the last couple of weeks with school, side projects, and so forth. So, here is a quick list of what I’ve been up to since my last post.

Okay, my last post was April 16 and was written just after the tragedy that happened in Boston. It is now May 9. That’s about 3-4 weeks. Since then, I:

  • Watched amazing momma got married! I now have a steppapi and stepbrother

    My crazy, newly extended family.

  • Edited a full length documentary on 3 WWII veterans
  • Got nearly 50 pages of my screenplay written
  • Researched and wrote a research paper on girl’s education on an international scale
  • Wrote and re-wrote essays for my international cinema course
  • Went to class and was a productive student
  • Read The Elite by Kiera Cass
  • Got on A on my second Statistics test
  • Wrote for the final two issues of the year for my school newspaper The Current
  • Had my car’s transmission die on me and an acquaintance ran my car into a pole when I let her borrow it
  • Discovered that John Lasseter’s son is graduating from my school and freaked out
  • Got a sunburn
  • Reached the last week of classes
  • Saw my first pet graduation (no, I’m serious)
  • Created three new vision board screensavers
  • Watched Doctor Who, Once Upon a Time, Castle, and Glee
  • Petted PUPPIES!!

    Me with my friend Becca’s new puppy. Her name is Debbie and she’s training to be a guide dog.

  • Got third place for talent in my college’s drag show
  • Went on a zip line!
  • Freaked out about the official announcement on the Harry Potter world expansion
  • Read fanfiction (it’s an addiction)
  • Watched Slumdog Millionaire for the first time!
  • Discovered how much my school’s Sundance Film Festival trip is going to be
  • Got a new desire to work and earn more money
  • Learned that I’m going to be an Activator again next Autumn term

And…..I think that might be it. As you can see, I’ve been doing A LOT of stuff. I’m still surprised that I have been able to do so much.

So, that’s where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to for the last 3 weeks. I have a bunch of ideas for different posts coming up and I hope to have them up soon. I will also have pictures from Disney soon! I will be going to Disneyworld with my roommate on Saturday as a big finale to the school year before exam week. I’ll be sure to tell you guys all about it! To Magic Kingdom!

Until next time readers.

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Different Kinds of Madness

Posted on April 16, 2013 by haileyescobar

So, I know that everyone in the U.S. knows about what happened in Boston yesterday. Three people lost there lives, one of them a little boy, and many more were injured.

I spent over 3 1/2 hours watching the livestream of news pouring in from different news sources last night. I did this to help my school newspaper stay up to date for a last minute feature in our upcoming issue. This is why I waited to post this new post.

There are many forms of madness in this world. I have experienced the good kind, the wonderful genius of the good kind of madness. You know the kind of madness I’m talking about. The kind that created the airplane, the internet, and discovered the western world.

However, I have also seen a lot of the bad madness, a madness I have never fully been able to understand. In the past few years, I have seen so much of this madness and the events in Boston are just the most recent of these examples of madness.

The sad thing is, I don’t even know how we can fully overcome it because every time I feel we’re close to peace, something happens. It’s disheartening, but I can’t help but also feel that there’s still hope for the future. I can’t help, but feel that there’s a chance that we might learn from all of this. I hope so.

I just want to take this opportunity to send my prayers and love to Boston right now. You are in my heart right now and I have faith that you will come back from this.

Sending love from Wonderville!

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Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

Posted on April 15, 2013 by haileyescobar

So some of you might be wondering “Hailey, what’s up with all of this! You just posted a rant last night and then started to shamelessly promote your blog out of NO WHERE!” (PS: Like the Hailey in Wonderville page on Facebook and follow my twitter @HaileyofWonder)

Well, my friends, allow me to tell you how exactly I finally fell down the rabbit hole.

So, last night, I was doing a lot of stressful things at one time. I had layout for The Current, my school newspaper (also follow The Current on Facebook and Twitter). I was working on a paper for class that was due at 11pm. I was watching the MTV Movie Awards and waiting in anticipation to see the new Catching Fire trailer (trust me, it’s stressful!).

As I was working on the paper, I felt very annoyed with myself about what I was working on. The sequence I was focusing on was all wrong. My interpretation felt wrong. I was so frustrated. I was only able to write four of the five required pages for the paper before I had to submit it.

After I submitted the paper, I felt very dissatisfied and frustrated with myself. I ended up doing the one thing I could think of to release all of that. I began to write and write a lot.

Like I said in my last post, I constantly feel like I have to be perfect. I have to be happy all of the time because if I’m not everyone thinks that there’s something wrong with me or that I’m going into a depression. In fact, because of this pedestal that I’ve put my emotional well-being on, I fall farther into my depression whenever I’m just a little sad. I had so much anger that was  building up under my skin and even into my very soul. I didn’t know what to do with it because I felt that I HAD to be happy. I was hurting so much.

THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! NOT FOR ME OR ANYONE ELSE!!!

This is something that I realized last night and it’s what created this new idea for my blog. I knew that I had been wanting to give this blog a makeover. I had already changed the theme and everything. All I had been missing was a driving force to write about and that’s what this is.

Like I said in my last post, we are human beings. We should feel love, anger, depression, sadness, joy, and everything in between. However, in today’s society we don’t allow ourselves to feel any of it. We have to keep on these masks like everything is okay and it’s hurting all of us.

So this is me falling down the rabbit hole and facing this mad, mad world head on. I will write what I feel like without any question because I need some kind of outlet for all of this and I’m doing it in a public way to show everyone else that it’s okay. People should be able to express themselves earlier on so we don’t end up with more school shooters,  serial killers, or rapists who have so much pent up anger that they don’t know what to do with it.

So join me in this crazy Wonderville. You might be surprised by what you see.

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Welcome to Wonderville

Posted on April 15, 2013 by haileyescobar

So…..I tried the 21st Year Project and while I liked it and I’m still continuing it in a way, it ended up being like most new year resolutions. You know the ones. The ones that you start and you swear you’ll do and then you end up sitting on your couching eating a pie when you should be working out. I have that feeling constantly.

Because of this feeling of dissatisfaction with the theme that my blog was going with, I have decided to give my blog make-over! (Yes, I know. Another one.)

Welcome to Wonderville! My world. My rules!

I figured that I have been going on for too long feeling like I constantly have to watch what I say and that I have to be perfect all the time. It’s something that I have struggled with all of my life. But I want to be flawed. I want to stubble. It’s what makes me human after all, right? I’m screaming in my head trying to in turn scream at the rest of the world. I just want to yell “WHAT THE HELL, LIFE!!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE INFURIATING!!” I want to be able to put myself down at times without feeling guilty about it because I have a good life. I want to be able to rant about all of the problems that I face in my life and the drama that goes on around me (although, for my friend’s sake and a little bit of my own, I will use fake names to do this). I want to be a little responsible at times. I want to make mistakes.

THIS, WONDERVILLE, IS WHERE I DO THIS!!

And what is Wonderville, exactly, you may ask?

For years, I have pictured myself as being a bit of an Alice in Wonderland like character in life (without the excessive drug use….don’t do drugs kids!). I feel as if I am constantly falling down little rabbit holes, meeting Mad Hatters and Evil Queens. I am going just a little bit mad at times because of everything that I am constantly holding in so I can continue this little appearance that I have going on like I’m constantly happy.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy most of the time. I’m a hell lot happier than I used to be. I used to feel like I was suffocating behind a mask that I wore for the world to see. Most of the times, now, I don’t feel that way. I feel more free than I used. Other times, I fe

el like I’m still wearing a mask a different one. I feel that since I’m fighting the depression I went through all throughout High School (that I was VERY good at hiding, even to myself, in case you’re a high school friend reading this and are concerned), I now have to try to be happy ALL THE FUCKING TIME!

Guess what, I don’t want to be! Once again, I say, I want to rant, I want to cry, and I want to laugh without everyone over my shoulder making sure that I’m okay. Of course I’m okay!….sort of! I’m human. I’m a highly empathetic human. Let me be a human being with emotions and desires and cursing without being shocked by my behavior.

We as humans today are too put together. We restrain ourselves behind smiles and pretend that everything is a-okay. It’s not just me. It’s the government. It’s you mom. It’s your dad. It’s your boss. It’s the mailman. It’s the crazy cat lady next door. It’s all of us. We pretend that everything is fine. Do you know what that’s doing to us as a race?! It desensitizes us to the world around. It desensitizes us to life. We don’t feel anymore. The only time I feel like I can cry is when I’m watching a movie or TV show or reading or I’m in my bed about to go to sleep and feel like no one can hear me.

We are cutting ourselves off from our humanity and when it finally catches up to us, it causes mass destruction around us. It causes self-harm and suicide. It creates addicts. It creates these violent people who feel like the only way their emotions and problems can be released and heard is by going on a rapid shooting spree. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to do or be any of those things. I just want to be a human being, in touch with my emotions.

But how do I do that? I feel as if I have truly forgotten how. The only way that I really know how to release my frustrations and emotions is through writing.

Which brings us back to my blog’s makeover.

This is now my guilt free, emotional war zone. If you don’t like what you read, I’m sorry. If you want to try and comfort me about my emotional wellbeing, please don’t unless I ask you too. If you want to punch me in the face, please don’t especially since you might just end up punching your own computer screen.

Yes, I know that I am dumping my emotional problems into an EPICALLY PUBLIC DOMAIN known only as the internet. I know it’s probably not wise. But do you want to know why I want to post everything here. I want to show everyone that it’s okay to be emotional and irrational. It’s okay to make mistake. It’s okay to be confident in myself and to also understand that I’m not perfect. And that’s what I’m going to do here. I’m showing everyone that it’s okay.

Come and fall down the rabbit hole with me. Welcome to Wonderville, everyone!

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Ah!….I did it again didn’t I?!

Posted on March 21, 2013 by haileyescobar

Okay, I know….I know….I know. I left you guys hanging. Those who actually read my blog…..which I know is probably not many…..but still…..

I have been so busy and every time I think “You know, I REALLY need to update my blog”, I don’t do it. I need to fix that…I need a deadline.

I will update you on what’s coming up for me soon, but until then. SORRY!!!

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End of Confidence Month: Quick Recap

Posted on January 31, 2013 by haileyescobar

So, we are winding down to the end of confidence month. Looking back, I’ve gone through a lot and learned a lot over the past month. I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable in my own skin (with the exception of a few days recently when I had no shower in my dorm). I’ve even gotten better with my communication with friends and I feel more confident in my work again.

I’ve done quite a bit too. I had a class with Dr. Elie Wiesel and even got a nickname from him, which is cool: Gatekeeper. I modeled in a photo shoot. I went to see a movie by myself. I grew my comfortable in my own body and skin. I feel like in just the first few weeks of my happiness project, I’ve already grown quite a bit into myself. While it had its ups and downs, it was definitely good.

Now, February is almost upon us which means that I will be starting a new theme! This month: Body. Time to work on getting more into shape. I hope to gain some muscle weight (which is heavier than fat, so I hope to actually gain weight), maybe work on some cardio, eat healthier, and try to be more flexible. Work outs I’m think about trying: Pilates, Yoga, Belly Dancing, Zumba, jogging, stretching, and who knows what else.
Wish me luck and I hope that you join me in the next chapter of my 21st year!

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The Naked Truth

Posted on January 21, 2013 by haileyescobar

I have learned something very important about having confidence in your own body so far this month of Confidence. The lesson is: if you can’t be happy with your own body with or without clothes, then no one else is going to like it either.

Despite the fact that I have a figure that so many have told me they wish they could have, I’ve never felt happy in my body. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I always thought I looked rather average, nothing much to look at.

However, through out this month, I have been determined to change my thoughts in my body. So, far I’ve been pretty successful, taking care in my appearance to make sure that I look the way I feel, stop the negative word choices against my body as much as possible, and I even worked on becoming more used to and comfortable in my naked body. As awkward as it sounds too, it involved having to actually be naked also and being comfortable in being naked. Luckily, I had my dorm all to myself so I didn’t have to worry about the awkward situation of my roommate walking in because she was in South America. I highly suggest doing this part in a room where you know no one is going to disturb you also. This way you can feel more comfortable.

To think, I’m 20 years old, to be 21 near the end of the year, and I have never truly appreciated my body or the way that I look. My lack of feeling sexy or appealing or sensual makes a lot more sense now that I realize how uncomfortable I felt in my own body.

I put my new found physical confidence to the test by having a photo shoot with my friend and neighbor Nika who has been wanting to photograph me for a while. I love her pictures so early last Monday, I found myself in the water, my legs going numb, and feeling really pretty with no make-up in my little pink dress. I truly fell confident in my looks and it made me very happy.

This is one of the key ways I have learned to improve my confidence. I have to be more comfortable in my own body no matter how it looks if I want to be able to feel confident.

So, remember….you are beautiful. You are gorgeous. You are sexy, attractive, and greatly admired. You are amazing! People are going to try and make you feel ugly and unsure in your body, but you know what, it’s probably because they’re not happy in their own skin.

And that is the naked truth.

A photo of me from Nika Ostby Photography! I was cold, but I got some great pictures out of it! Thanks Nika!

 

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Confidence in Conversation

Posted on January 16, 2013 by haileyescobar

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know that I haven’t posted anything in the last few days. I’ve been so busy with reading for my Winter Term class. So many books! I’m pretty sure that I’m reading a different book almost every night. I’m willing to do it though because I have such a wonderful opportunity here.

 

This class that I’m taking is called Madness, Tears, and Laughter and it only lasts the month of January, Eckerd’s Winter Term. In the class we study literature to understand the philosophy of…well…madness, sadness, and laughter mainly in the 20th century. What makes this a wonderful opportunity is the fact that it’s being taught by Professor Elie Wiesel, Holocaust survivor, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and the author of about 60 books.

 

On top of learning from him in a class of only about 20 students, being able to learn about his books from him, which he apparently never does, and, frankly, just being in his presence, which is amazing, I was also gifted with the opportunity to have a private conversation with Professor Wiesel. What?!

 

This was definitely a test of my confidence. Normally, I can be pretty good in social interactions. I had even spoken to Professor Wiesel once last year when I was at Eckerd’s Environmental Film Festival, but still! I wasn’t even sure if he remembered me! Well, apparently he did. In fact, the conversation went very well and he said that I was doing very well in class.

 

I learned a lot from that and now I’m not as afraid of talking to people as much especially people I might consider friends. If I can have a really good conversation with Elie Wiesel that I shouldn’t stress out too much about the people in my life and should stop trying to avoid conversations so much.

 

Through out this entire month I’ve been talking more and have become more confident in social circumstances. I’m not saying I’m still not shy at times, especially around guys, but I’m getting a lot better and a lot more confident in myself.

 

In my next post which I will hopefully be putting up soon, I think I’ll talk about how I’ve been gaining confidence in my physical appearance. Before I go though, here are a few tips for you readers about gaining confidence in conversation:

 

-Trying finding a common interest. You’ll be surprised how many people like the same things you do.

-Do not be afraid of being judged. If they’re judging you so harshly that you’re afraid of what you’ll say in front of them constantly, they’re probably not your friend.

-Your opinion DOES matter! Remember that. Not everyone might like it though so be warned.

-Remember “me” time! Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, it’s important to have some personal time in between major social moments.

-If I can confidently talk to feminist authors and a Nobel Peace Prize winner…..you can probably talk to someone at school or in your family.

-Listen!!!!!!!! Don’t just talk!

“Think higher, feel deeper.” -Elie Wiesel

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Happy New Year!

Posted on January 3, 2013 by haileyescobar

Happy New Year! It’s the first post of my 21st year project! So, I have been busy packing, reading, and researching for this.project and have finally found the time to sit down and write about the first few days of my project.In just three days I have found that my confidence has greatly grown already. And it all stemmed from one realization I had on the first day of my project.
I love my ass.
Let me explain. I had taken a shower and was standing in my bathroom at home looking at the mirror and doing was doing what I’m sure every single one of us (man or woman) has done. I was criticizing my body. Every little detail from my very thin figure to my skin to my hair. Just about everything.
Then I stopped and thought about the project and what this month was supposed to mean. Confidence. It was my theme and what I promised myself I would work on. So, I looked at myself and started thinking only about the good things about my body. I’ve always loved my eyes and how healthy my hair is. There are moments when I love how small I am. Then I realized something that I never really thought about loving before and that was my cute little butt!
Since then, I’ve constantly reminded myself of how happy and giddy I was when I realized that I really did love my body just the way it is. Seemingly over night I’ve felt happier, started laughing more, and even feel a little sexier which I never really felt before.
It’s funny. All it took was to look at myself in a new more positive light to start feeling better about myself. I’m not saying that I’m not still working on confidence. I am. There are still plenty of things that I’m working on, but I’ve definitely been focusing more on the positive things. For example, I’ve realized that I’m much wiser than I give myself credit for most of the time, I am exceedingly blessed, I’m smart, I’m funny, I’m great with people. I’m discovering more and more every day.
I’ve had such an amazing first few days of 2013. I’ve increased my confidence. I’ve grown a little bit more into myself. I’m laughing and smiling more. I started taking a class taught by Nobel Peace Prize Winner, author, and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel. I’m already doing better with communicating with friends. I’m on top of my school work. And this is only three days in! I feel like the universe is working in my favor! I have no doubt that the rest will be equally as incredible and I hope that those of you reading are also having a wonderful start of the year.

A lovely picture of my mom Julie and I over winter break. This is not exclusively my photo. I guess you can say it belongs to either my mom or my sister Katie who took it, but……

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Update on the Plan

Posted on December 30, 2012 by haileyescobar

So, as I’ve been planning out the year, I have realized something about what might be coming up on this blog and how this plan is going to work out. Thanks to some new tech that I’ve gotten this holiday season (thanks mom and dad!) and seeing the new Cirque du Soleil movie, some parts of my project might be starting a little earlier than expected such as body and organization.
You see, having a bunch of apps to keep track of my schedule and to-do lists has already made a major improvement in my organization and maybe even a little on my procrastination. Also, watching Cirque du Soleil will make almost anyone want to work out. I am no exception and I’m already looking up ways to improve my flexibility thanks to that movie.
Anyways, while some parts of my plan might become a little blurred together, I’m still planning on focusing a majority of each month on the chosen subject…with a few others making a small appearance now and again.
I’m really looking forward to this project and this coming year. I can’t believe that tomorrow is the last day of the year. Maybe I’ll do a recap on my experience of 2012 tomorrow. Hmmm….. Anyways. Night for now and much love to all!

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